“Am I being heard?”
It is the desperate refrain of Valerie Cherish, Lisa Kudrow’s lovably self-centered protagonist in the acclaimed television series The Comeback. Throughout the show, Valerie demands to be heard by directors, co-stars, and camera crews, experiencing varying degrees of success and public humiliation.
Most of us can relate to Valerie, even if just a little. When we speak, whether in a high-stakes corporate boardroom, a crowded family dinner table, or an intimate conversation with a partner, we want people to listen. We want our voices to register, our words to be acknowledged, and our presence to be felt.
Yet, what Valerie is truly begging for throughout her television odyssey is not simply to be listened to; she wants to be understood. And in the realm of human communication, that distinction matters profoundly.
There is a burgeoning self-help and wellness industry promising to help everyday people become better, more attentive listeners. Workshops are packed, podcasts proliferate, and articles abound with tips on how to nod more effectively, maintain eye contact, and repeat back what someone has just said. Paradoxically, while most people firmly believe they are good listeners, an overwhelming majority also report that others simply do not listen well enough to them.
That persistent disconnect is worth pondering. Perhaps spending all this time trying to get people to listen—or trying to master mechanical listening tricks—has not been time well spent. Sorry, Valerie.
Listening Versus Understanding
Clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Brown University Yael Schonbrun addresses this exact friction in her book, Why Don’t You Understand Me? The Surprising Science behind Connecting in a World of Missed Signals. Schonbrun explores the deeply ingrained, universal human need to be understood. Sure, listening is a necessary component of understanding, but Schonbrun’s work makes it quite clear that listening alone is just not enough.
First, it is important to recognize a fundamental limitation of human interaction: it is physically and psychologically impossible to fully understand another person. We can never truly read another human being’s mind or experience what consciousness is uniquely like for them from the inside. This sets up an unavoidable obstacle when it comes to human connection. On one fundamental level, we just cannot completely step behind someone else’s eyes.
However, it may not actually be successful, total understanding that we are chasing after in our daily lives. Schonbrun explains that what we are actually after is the feeling of others trying to understand us.
To make someone feel like you are genuinely trying to understand them means you are consciously choosing not to make sweeping assumptions. It means you are avoiding the lazy trap of assuming their internal experience, history, and emotional landscape are entirely similar to your own. Instead, you are approaching the interaction with a posture of humility and curiosity. It is the internal acknowledgement that this person is fundamentally different from me, and I genuinely want to know more about their perspective.
That posture requires asking open-ended questions and sincerely wanting to know the answers, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. It means allowing another person’s point of view to be completely different from your own without rushing to correct, debate, or invalidate it. If it is impossible to ever truly get inside someone else’s head, the least we can do is let them be the ones to explain what is actually going on in there.
Shifting the Dynamic of Human Connection
For decades, communication experts have attempted to codify how human beings try to understand each other, moving past superficial exchanges into deeper relational territory. Achieving this kind of genuine comprehension requires breaking long-standing conversational habits.
The process often begins with simply stopping the relentless flow of talking. It is nearly impossible to understand someone else if you are constantly filling all the available audio space with your own noise, opinions, and anecdotes.
Beyond remaining silent, moving toward understanding requires deep personal reflection and genuine curiosity. Instead of asking questions merely to keep a conversation moving or defaulting to automatic assumptions, fostering true understanding demands that we pause. It requires setting a clear personal intention to get to the bottom of what makes another person tick, recognizing their unique emotional architecture.
This naturally leads to asking better questions. Because you can never truly know what is inside another person’s head, you have to rely on inquiry to hear their version of things. That means asking open-ended questions and then asking even more, all while resisting the urge to make assumptions or interject conversational filler.
Finally, it demands a higher tier of attention—listening without an agenda. This means letting another person’s perspective genuinely land on you without constantly plotting what you are going to say next, or secretly judging them as they struggle to explain their thoughts. It means digging deep and listening without preconceived notions, without judgment, and without scripting the rest of the interaction in your head while they are still speaking.
Understanding Starts With You
Listening is undeniably a part of understanding, but true comprehension demands significantly more of us as social creatures. It requires us to drop our preconceived ideas, abandon our need to be right, and simply let conversations unfold organically. It requires us to be humble, to remain curious, to accept that we do not have all the answers, and to understand that not every difficult conversation needs to land on a neat, tidy solution.
Life is inherently messy, complicated, and unpredictable. Human beings frequently end up feeling isolated on emotional islands when they fail to strive for mutual understanding. But there is a psychological pivot point to this dynamic: when we try our absolute best to understand others, we are often better understood in turn.
Ultimately, the psychological insights highlighted by experts like Schonbrun suggest a shift in perspective. Instead of endlessly waiting for others to finally understand you, the path forward begins with trying to understand others first. Embracing that mindset just might save everyone involved from some classic, Valerie Cherish-esque misunderstandings along the way.